Tuesday, March 1, 2011
My heart breaks to think of the pain I’m going to give to the baby that is inside me... I checked the FAQs but found no questions that deal with the painful sensations that I'm sure will be felt by it when the procedure is performed. I’m now 12 weeks along… I was researching online (bad idea) and found out that inside me is a living person, complete with all the organisms that a person needs in order to live - including nerve endings.
Why don't I want this in me? well, I want to complete my MA, and after that I was planning to go and teach abroad... and travel around for a while and have fun, you know? this just doesn't fit into my plans.
But this person came into being because I made that choice to be with Mr. Nobody... which was probably a mistake in the first place... he's gone now.
The plans I have are all things that I would like to do. They’re all about me. What makes me happy. But my mom always tried to teach me to think about other people, how they feel, what they think. Am I wrong? Is it possible to be so saint-like, as my mom is?
What does this little person think about all this anyways? My research said that it has a brain. But it can't say anything yet (at least, nothing that we can hear).
Maybe she has something she would like to say... like, "Hi Mommy! I love you! thank you for not killing me, for not poisoning me with that methotrexate stuff earlier on…. And thanks again for not vacuuming my arms off, and then my legs, until there was nothing left! thank you so much! when I grow up, I want to have my own babies, so I can love them like you did."
Or maybe it's a little boy and he will one day say, "Mommy, I love you so much, and I will never leave you like Mr. Nobody left you. I’m going to be strong like you, and if I find a girl I’m going to get married and stick by her side. And I’m going to love our family even when it’s not easy."
Thank you for helping me think through this... I think I've made my decision.
I'm going to go ahead with it. Now that I know all there is to know and I've done all my research, I'm going to schedule my appointment to get rid of it. I don’t care how this thing got here, but it’s got to go because I’ve got other plans set on my life’s agenda.
After all, life is all about me, isn't it?